With all the frantic preparation you’re doing for the baby—checking that you’ve got your registry essentials, painting the nursery, setting up a diaper station, realizing you actually need to buy diapers for said station (which leads to an investigative journalism-worthy pros and cons list of all the available brands before finally making the Target run three hours later)—you might forget about one really important item on the list. Checking in with your support network. That’s right, we’re talking about your postpartum mom clique, your ride-or-dies, the people who will have your back as you settle into this wild new identity as a first-time parent.
While you can wait for all of these people to fall into place after you give birth, it’s a much smoother transition if you at least have an idea of who you can turn to in those first few bleary-eyed weeks of no sleep while you’re also figuring out your round-the-clock baby concierge duties. Whether one person is all of these things to you, or you have a handful of the people on this list, these are the types of people who got us through, and who will get you through it, too. We promise.
The Mother Figure Who Will Be There to Take Care of You
Just because you’re now a mom to a wiggly, screamy, beautiful baby, doesn’t mean you can’t use a little mother’s love yourself. Yes, even new moms—strike that, especially new moms—need someone to nurture and take care of them as they heal physically and transition to arguably the biggest role change of their lifetime. Who better than your own mom, dad, stepmom, stepdad, mother-in-law, grandma, or other chosen comfort person to give you space to cry as they cook up your favorite tomato basil soup? This person is your OG, the one who knows exactly what you need to feel a bit more like yourself, whether that’s an epic back rub, a week's-worth of frozen dinners, or freshly laundered pajamas on your bed.
The comforting vibes here are the real deal, and that probably goes back decades. It’s just that now instead of kissing your boo-boos, they’re holding your hand as you discover one of motherhood’s biggest heartaches: the crushing weight of unconditional love. That feeling that your heart now exists outside your body, and there is nothing you can do to put it back in. (Bonus, your comfort person will happily hold the baby so you can take a shower).
The Involved Partner Who Gets That This Is a Shared Job
Gone are the days of moms by default taking care of all the childcare duties and household chores. Enter the enlightened partner. (Not everyone has a partner, and that’s okay, you can still lean on the other people in this list.) This person knows having a child is not your cross to bear, but rather a shared responsibility, a team effort. Breastfeeding the baby? Great, your partner will burp the baby and hold them for a contact nap afterwards. Going out of your mind from feeding every three hours? This real one will step in and give the baby a bottle so you can go lay down. Getting used to the rhythms of a newborn is hard. As much as you can, try to figure it out together.
That mentality really comes in handy when you encounter your first very challenging baby phase. If the term “witching hour” doesn’t strike fear in your heart, know this: some babies may cry in the evening—for hours—for no discernible reason, and nothing you do seems to calm them down. When my son was a newborn, this was our reality. It would start at 5 pm like clockwork. The crying would intensify the more we tried to comfort him. It was brutal. So, my husband and I took turns. He would rock him in the nursery while I made dinner. I would eat, and then we’d switch. Eventually, our little screamer would calm down and fall asleep, but not before our nerves were raw and frayed. This happened every night for weeks, and just as suddenly as it started, it stopped. Looking back, it’s hard to imagine how we got through that, but I am forever grateful that I didn’t have to do it alone.
The Sister Figure Who Will Answer All Your ‘What the Hell Is Going on’ Questions
Whether this is your childhood bestie, your big sister, or your newest mom friend, everyone needs a no-filter, no-judgments, I’ve-seen-it-all mom in their clique. Why? You’re going to have a lot of questions. Like, a lot. All of them are totally valid, but some may sound admittedly a little more insane than others, so it’s good to have a non-judgmental ear in your corner. Did I text my sister-in-law when my milk came in to trouble-shoot what the hell was going on with my boobs? Yes, I did. Do I regret it? Not one bit.
From deciphering the color of baby poop to talking through what a hungry cry vs. a farty cry sounds like, your sister figure is the one who’s going to be your safety net when you feel like the ground is falling beneath your feet.
Your Type-A Friend Who Had the Meal Train Organized Weeks Ago
This player in your mom posse probably took the planning reins of your baby shower, birthday party, and/or reminds you to schedule your doctor’s appointments—even though you’re a grown ass adult. This is your take-charge friend, who doesn’t need to have a kid to understand the necessities of bringing home a baby. Thanks to them, you’ll have your meals planned for the next six weeks, and a checklist of to-dos ready to go for your other family and friends.
The Friend Who Is in the Exact Same Motherhood Stage as You
When it comes to emotional support, this friend is a life-saver. Of course people with older kids know what it's like to have a newborn, but do they really remember all the very specific, sleep-deprived details? Probably not the way your mom friend going through the exact same thing does. This person is good for bouncing off all your, is this normal? questions, like, is it normal for my baby to wake up screaming five times per night? And, you can commiserate with this mom over all the little transitions that occur in babyhood—like moving on from the swaddle or teaching your little nugget how to drink from a straw—that other people just don’t quite understand.
This person came to me in the form of my nanny-share mom counterpart. Admittedly, the nanny-share itself was a bit of a dumpster fire (three nannies quit in the span of three months), but the life-long friendship that sprung up between us was well worth the hassle.
The Seasoned Mom Friend Who Helps You Let Go a Little
Then there’s the mom friend who has three kids, and can show you that it’s not that serious. So your baby hasn’t crawled yet, but your neighbor's baby was crawling at six months? Well, this mom’s second kid didn’t crawl until he was 11 months old, and he’s totally fine! Moms who have been through it have a knack for helping you get out of your head and showing you how to kiss the baby milestone comparison trap goodbye.
They also know what a new mom really needs, and will pop over to do your dishes, throw in a load of laundry, or play with your baby while you run to the grocery store, no questions asked.
The Breastfeeding Pro Who Can Give You All the Tips
Breastfeeding is hard, and it can take some time to figure it out with your new baby. That’s where the expert breastfeeding mom comes in handy. This is a friend, or lactation consultant, who knows exactly how to make the boob sandwich to help your baby latch, has thoughts about the best breastfeeding position, and may even have a recommendation for a nipple shield to try. If nothing else, this mom will tell you that breastfeeding isn’t easy, and you’re doing a good job.
Bonus points if they also know how to pump like a champ, and can help you nail down a schedule to optimize your freezer supply. If you’re lucky, they might even send you a box of snacks to help you keep up your milk supply.
The Person Who Drives Home That Formula Is a Good Choice, Too
On the flip side, this person wasn’t able to breastfeed, chose not to, or is just there to tell you that your baby will be perfectly fine if you decide to stop forcing something that isn’t working. Formula is a safe and healthy option for feeding your baby, and they do not guilt or shame you if you decide to go this route.
For me, this essential member was a home lactation consultant, who treated me like a person instead of a human milk machine, giving me permission to do what felt right for my baby and my mental health. (And here is my permission to you to do the same, if you need to).
The One Who Doesn’t Have Kids, but Knows You Deeply
This is the friend who has been there for every life stage, including that awkward middle school one, and can simultaneously make you cry laughing and just straight up cry because you feel so seen. They may not have kids, so they don’t know exactly what you’re going through, but they do know you. They can bring you back to yourself just by being there, talking about anything but the baby, and reliving a lifetime of memories from before you became a mom.
Doing regular FaceTime chats with my best friend from childhood got me through some dark days, when I wasn’t sure if I could get through another hour without sleep. She made me laugh when I felt like crying, and reminded me that nothing lasts forever. (It’s worth mentioning that a good therapist can play this role, too).
A Trusted Caregiver Who Can Give You a Break
Every new mom needs a caregiver they can trust to watch their baby from a few hours to a full work day. It’s not easy to let go when you are all your child has ever known, but in reality, this is good for both of you. You need time to regroup, run errands, work, or do something solely for your own pleasure in order to be a whole person and a happy, healthy mom. Finding the right caregiver will feel like winning the lottery, because they will make you feel safe as they hand you back your freedom. Plus, they usually have some stellar child-rearing advice to boot.
The Outgoing Mom Friend Who Forces You Out of the House
If I had it my way, I’d probably just hang out with the small circle of close friends I’ve made and never make an effort for new friendships again. But parenthood does a funny thing in that it makes you actually want your kid to have friends as they grow up, so you have to do all kinds of things you wouldn’t normally do. This is where your outgoing mom friend is an asset. They will literally drag you to the mom gathering, invite another family to a playdate without telling you, and make sure you come to every single social event they throw at their house.
Yeah, sometimes awkward small talk comes with the territory, but think of it as an investment in your baby’s future friend bank. You might even make a friend or two yourself.
The Medical Professional Who Can Talk You Down Every Time Your Kid Has a Runny Nose
Everyone knows at least someone who is in the medical field. Whether your mom’s a retired nurse, your sister’s a physician’s assistant, or your brother’s friend’s girlfriend is a pediatrician, we all have our go-to unofficial healthcare provider. This friend is the one you want to call when your kid’s eye looks a little pink, but it’s not quite in the pink eye range, and you just need someone to say whether you should call the pediatrician, head to the ER, or just sit on your couch and calm down. Nine out of ten times, this person will say to call your pediatrician if you’re concerned, and that’s all you really need to hear.
The Friends Who Live All Over but Are Always There to Chat
These are your college friends in a group text chat or your virtual buddies in an online support group, who are spread out all across the country. You know these friends, the ones who communicate only through memes sent at all hours of the day, and live in four different time zones. The bad news is you may not see them in person very often—or ever—but there is an upside. Someone is always available to message you—even when you’re rocking the baby at 3 in the morning trying desperately not to fall asleep. They may not be a super hands-on presence in your life, but they will be there digitally to make you feel a little less alone.
The Pediatrician Who Cares About More Than Just the Baby
A good pediatrician is going to be on top of all your baby’s health needs, and address your concerns with a lot of empathy and a just-right amount of realness. A great pediatrician will also check in with you, a frazzled new mom whose world has turned on its head.
I remember those first few newborn appointments at the pediatrician well. I was struggling to breastfeed and my emotions were bubbling over, but I was trying to keep it together. Our pediatrician was a mom to a toddler herself at the time, and she looked me straight in the eyes and asked how I was doing. I could have cried (okay, I did cry), and I just let out all of my breastfeeding frustrations. First, she handed me some samples of formula to supplement my son’s feedings. Then, she hugged me. That simple gesture was exactly what I needed at that moment, and I’ll never forget the way it made me feel—like I mattered, too.
