They say it takes a village to raise a child, but what they don’t tell you is that you could use a village of your own during pregnancy. Not only is it more fun if you have a close group of people to share the experience with, but studies also show1 that social support during pregnancy, whether that comes from friends, a partner, or family, can help you feel better both physically and mentally.
So, as soon as you’re ready to start spreading the good news, think about getting your group in formation. To get you started, here are 8 people that I was so grateful to have in my own pregnancy squad.
The Friend Who Is Your Due-Date Twin
When I was about nine weeks pregnant, I used the Peanut app to find people who lived in my city and were due around the same time as me. At first, it felt a little weird—I was essentially using a version of Tinder to find friends. But after meeting some really cool people, the weirdness dissipated.
During pregnancy, I never felt more understood or supported as I did by the people who were experiencing similar symptoms to me in real-time. As much as my mom friends (and family members) wanted to commiserate with me, it’s hard to recall how unrelenting third-trimester heartburn can be unless you’re currently living it. Some of my new friends were a few weeks ahead, and they became the group's sage elders (in spirit, not age), letting the rest of us know what to expect.
Now, my son has five buddies who are all about his same age, give or take a few weeks. I have a crew of mom friends who I see regularly and have an active group chat with to discuss important topics like why our 18-month-olds love running with their eyes closed, which park has the best toddler playground, and if anyone wants to grab a drink after bedtime.
Whether you find your due-date sisters in your existing friend group or seek them out once you’re pregnant, this group will become crucial to your support system long after you give birth.
The Sober(ish) Friend Up for Anything
Whether your person never drinks, is committing to a dry month, or is just game to abstain whenever they get your call, it’s nice to have someone who is ready and willing to do sober activities with you. I was surprised to find during my pregnancy that it was actually really easy not to drink. It was nice to go out without any of the hemming and hawing that usually comes with deciding what shape your evening is going to take. (Am I going to drink tonight? What and how much do I want to have?) While Emily Oster has changed the conversation2 about drinking during pregnancy, for the most part, it’s a non-decision.
That said, it’s not always fun to spend every night you do go out surrounded by a crowd of people who are enjoying their drinks. Having a friend who’s up for morning or afternoon activities, or one who is willing to try out an alternative to happy hour, is always nice. Even better if they have a list of ideas for fun activities you can do away from the typical social scene of restaurant-bar-repeat.
The Trusted OB
This one probably goes without saying, but it’s important to have an ob-gyn who you trust and like—and who you can get ahold of when you need to. Your relationship with this person will become a lot more intimate than an annual pap smear (and anyone who’s gone through that ritual knows that’s saying something). In an uncomplicated pregnancy, you’ll see your doctor around 14 times, plus the grand finale. On top of that, you’re sure to have a million-and-one questions that pop up throughout your pregnancy. So having a doctor who is compassionate, available, and who you trust is crucial.
Remember, if you don’t like the care you’re receiving or if you don’t like some of your OB’s policies (for example, their stance on inductions or how far past 40 weeks they will let their patients go), it’s totally reasonable to switch doctors, even if you are already pregnant.
Not sure where to start? Here are some helpful questions to ask at your first prenatal visit—or any time you’re interviewing a new doctor.
The Seasoned Mom
This is your friend with two or more kids who’s seen it all. If their car is covered in crumbs and they sometimes send you a text that’s just a stream of random letters tapped out by their toddler, they are the right person to fill this position. They somehow make the chaos of parenthood look fun, but they’re also probably done having kids.
Your seasoned mom friend is the person you text all of those uncomfortable questions to, the ones you’re too embarrassed to bother your doctor with. Want confirmation that what you’re seeing is actually your mucus plug? Text a pic to this friend. Want to know what to use for hemorrhoids and what postpartum supplies you really need to buy? This is your person!
After your baby is born, this mom friend will be your go-to for everything from how to swaddle and cut a baby’s nails to what kid shows won’t make you lose your mind. Bonus points if you are due in the same season they gave birth—because they might also be happy to offload their maternity clothes to you.
The Neighbor Friend
As a society, we’re not as community-oriented as we once were—only 54% of people surveyed in the U.S. said they felt close to their communities3 . This is partially because many people live in big cities where they’re surrounded by neighbors, most of whom they don’t know. All this to say, it’s really lucky if you can find a friend within walking distance.
I hit the jackpot because my neighbor was also pregnant at the same time as me, though being a parent is not a prerequisite for filling the role of The Neighbor—the key prerequisites for this position are proximity and being available at a moment’s notice. This is the friend who you call when you have a burst of energy and feel like socializing or going for a walk, they’ll be there to loan you baking soda when the pregnancy urge to bake kicks in (just me?), and, most importantly, they offer comfort just because they’re there. It’s nice to know that someone is close by in case you need anything.
Bonus: if it’s not your first baby, the neighbor friend is someone you can call to watch your older kids if labor starts quickly or unexpectedly.
The Specialist
Whether you opt for a doula, an acupuncturist, or a prenatal masseuse, adding a specialist to your crew is always nice. A doula will be your support person before and during labor. They’re your confidant and advocate regardless of where and how you choose to labor (yep, plenty of people with epidurals have a doula on their team).
Acupuncture for pregnancy has been shown to help relieve everything from morning sickness to hip pain or a breech baby. I got acupuncture regularly while pregnant, and while I’ll never know for sure, I credit it with helping me to have a fairly easy birth. (I asked my acupuncturist to put labor ear seeds in when I was 40 weeks—ear acupressure has been shown to reduce labor pain4 and shorten active labor.) Prenatal massage is another good option that can be especially beneficial for people who experience hip, leg, or back pain in pregnancy.
While specialists can be expensive (though always check first with your insurance—these services are sometimes covered), if you have the time, money, and interest to add one to your team, it’s nice to have another person in your corner who is an expert on the ins and outs of pregnancy and can help you feel cared for and supported.
The Amateur Photographer
Do you have an amateur photographer pal? A friend who won’t let anyone take a bite of food before they’ve taken an aerial shot of the plates? Yeah, you’re going to want to enlist that person’s help.
I have an album of photos on my phone called “Baby Weeks.” They’re all mirror selfies, but the images start when I was seven weeks pregnant and continue every week until 40. I didn’t always feel comfortable in my body, but I cherish the photos now, even more so as my son grows outside my body. While I love these photos, I regret not getting professional pictures taken while I was pregnant.
You don’t have to go full-on photo shoot, but if your friend with the new iPhone who likes to take pics is up for it, I guarantee you’ll be happy to have some cute photographs of yourself while pregnant. Plus it’s a good excuse to do your hair and hang out.
The Realist
As you get closer to your baby’s arrival, you’ll fall into one of two camps: you’ll either eat up every birth story you can find, or you won’t want to talk about birth at all. I was in the former category. I listened to birth podcasts, talked in-depth with friends about their experiences, and even watched birth videos on YouTube, sobbing happy tears every time. The videos prepared me more than any book did, but it was also helpful to hear from friends whose birth plans didn’t go, well, as planned.
The realist friend doesn't try to scare you, but they share the harder parts of birth and parenting, which frees you up to do the same. This is the friend you text when your pregnancy nausea is out of control or after the baby is born and your nipples are bleeding and you’re crying on the couch. It’s great to surround yourself with positivity and friends who hype you up on the joys of parenting, but balance is key. The friend who keeps it real is someone you can turn to no matter what.
Friendships naturally shift and change with pregnancy and parenthood, and that’s part of the process. You don’t have to make a whole new set of friends just because you’re expecting, but it’s helpful to think of who you already have in your arsenal that will support you in pregnancy and beyond. And if it means downloading the Peanut app or speed-walking up to a neighbor who looks nice, my biggest piece of advice is do it.
Read Next: The 14 Friends You Need in Your Postpartum Mom Crew
