Getting pregnant is one of the most unpredictable experiences of adulthood. For some people, it comes as a complete surprise. Others decide they are ready to try for kids and—voilà—they end up panicking about how fast it all happened. And then there are those who spend years doing the baby dance before ending up in a fertility clinic learning how to navigate everything from IUI to IVF and beyond.
No matter what your journey is, you’ll need support along the way. From a doctor who you feel comfortable discussing your options with to a friend who has been there before, here are 8 people you need in your corner when trying to conceive. Depending on your own circumstances, you might not need them all, but we hope you will use this list as inspiration to create the team you need for support along the way.
A Friend Who Got Pregnant Naturally
If you’re just starting to try to conceive, you’ll likely hear all sorts of stories from friends and friends of friends who know people who went through the wringer, some variation of: they tried for 10 years, went through 15 rounds of IVF and maxed out their savings but finally had a baby. Hearing these stories can cause you to begin your own baby journey filled with stress over whether or not you will have the same difficult experience.
But just because that’s what others have gone through doesn’t mean that will be your story, too. When it comes to having a baby, there are as many paths as there are adorable newborn faces. These include people who had an easier time. Make sure you have a few of them in your corner to help you take the stress out of the process and realize that getting pregnant can also be a whole lot of fun.
A Friend Who Has Been Through Fertility Treatments
If you’ve been trying for a while and are thinking of checking out a fertility clinic, or if you already know that you’ll have to undergo fertility treatments in order to have a baby, you may be overwhelmed. IUI, IVF, ICIS, ovarian stimulation—what does it all mean? Is it painful? How does it work? How long will it take? How much does it cost?
A doctor can answer these things for you from a clinical standpoint, but the most helpful way to get started—and to make the world of fertility treatments feel more accessible—is to talk to someone who has gone through it already. A friend who has done IVF will be able to tell you “I felt a little bloated but it wasn’t that bad” or “This is exactly what we paid and what you can expect.” They can even give you pointers on how to find the right doctor or what questions to ask during your first appointment.
An Acupuncturist Who Will Help with Balance & Stress
There is so much research—both validated and anecdotal—that acupuncture can support your fertility journey in many different ways. It’s been shown to do everything from improve sperm quality1 to balancing your hormones. And honestly just lying on the table for a half hour in the dark with soothing music playing is a heck of a stress reliever. This trying to make a baby thing isn’t always easy, and anything calming you can sneak in along the way helps. I found acupuncture to be really relaxing—not to mention my acupuncturist helped to balance my hormones and to prepare my body for my IVF transfer.
An OB Who Makes You Feel Comfortable
Your ob-gyn relationship really reaches a whole new level once you become pregnant. That’s when you’ll start going in for frequent visits beyond your annual exams. But that doesn’t mean your OB can’t be a great support system as you’re going through the journey.
A good OB can recommend reproductive endocrinologists if you need a referral. They will help you find the right prenatal vitamin to prepare your body to nurture a baby. And they can answer other questions you have along the way. Make sure to find a doctor who you feel comfortable with and whose bedside manner you like. If asking a friend doesn’t work, check on your insurance website and make an appointment with one with good reviews. And don’t be afraid to set up introductory meetings with a few until you find one you click with.
A Therapist Who Will Listen to You Vent
While you can always talk to your friends and family about your thoughts and feelings around fertility, the people who are the closest to you aren’t always the ones who are going to be the listeners that you need. Whether they don’t fully get it or they have strong thoughts about what they think you should do, talking to your people can sometimes leave you feeling more aggravated than before.
That’s where a therapist comes in. There is something about having an unbiased mental health professional available to lend an ear that can help you figure out your feelings and see things more clearly. Chances are that your therapist has helped other people through the same things you’re going through. And they have tools and coping mechanisms to help you manage the anxiety that inevitably comes with trying to conceive. Plus, just being able to sit on their couch to vent for an hour can work wonders for your mental health.
A Fertility Doctor Who Comes Highly Recommended
The statistics say that most couples who have regular sex and time it around ovulation will typically get pregnant within a year. But if you’ve been trying without any luck, you may want to see a reproductive endocrinologist (RE).
Finding the right one can be beyond overwhelming but getting a personal referral can help you to find someone you feel comfortable with. Start by asking friends and acquaintances who have gone through successful fertility treatments if they liked their doctors. Or if you already have an ob-gyn you love, you can ask them if they know of any RE’s who have a similar vibe. You’ll feel much more comfortable walking into an office knowing that so and so got pregnant thanks to the doctor you’re meeting with or that the doctor was supportive and had a good bedside manner.
A Good Listener
“So many people are trying to conceive or going through fertility struggles in silence,” explains Leyla Bilali, a registered nurse and fertility expert who has undergone IVF herself. “This makes an already difficult journey all the more isolating.” In her experience, having a go-to person that you can connect with for emotional and moral support can help to alleviate some of the stress and mental burden of trying to conceive. This could be a friend, family member or even a co-worker.
“So often, others try to support those struggling by talking—sometimes offering toxic positivity or overly optimistic suggestions,” adds Bilali. “While their intentions are good, sometimes what is most useful is somebody who is just there to listen—to make you feel seen and heard.”
Others in the Same Boat—Whatever That May Be
Are you 40 and trying to conceive? There’s a Facebook forum for that. Want some support from others in your city who are going through IVF? A quick Google search will lead you to your people. Or maybe you don’t feel comfortable opening up to people you know and want to talk to a stranger? There are communities for that.
There is a lot of talk about support groups for brand-new moms, but what is often overlooked is that those who are in the thick of trying to conceive can also benefit from finding communities of people who are going through the same thing as they are. Join Facebook groups, subscribe to Reddit threads, and register for forums on places like What to Expect where you can talk to other real-life women who are exactly where you are. You can search through existing threads to get answers to questions, ask for others to share their stories and experiences related to a specific experience you are going through, and serve as a mutual support system for one another.
It Takes a Village When You’re TTC
The trying to conceive process can be a rollercoaster, from peeing on ovulation strips to undergoing fertility treatments to getting your “BFP” (aka “big f*cking positive,” trying to conceive online forum slang for finally getting that “positive” pregnancy test)—and dealing with all the emotions that come with every step.
For me, having an acupuncturist to chill me out and keep my cycles on track took a lot of the stress out of the natural conception process. After losses, she also helped to balance me back out. Friends who had gone through it all before were a godsend when it came to preparing me for what IVF was like. And I couldn’t have gone through the process without having an amazing reproductive endocrinologist who I wholly trusted and an OB who came highly recommended and delivered my beautiful baby boy. Having the right people on your team will help to make both the mental and physical process of getting pregnant that much more manageable—even if the biggest supporter you have is just a kind and calm listening ear.
